There was an idea that as you healed, you would feel less, at least less shakiness, rage, hopelessness, and despair. That as you awakened, the emotional spectrum would narrow, into to some safe, consistent, happy, resolved calm, where you became impenetrable, where only flow and bliss and courage emerged. Somehow untouchability became the goal, but love is not interested in that. For it is full-spectrum and the beloved is oriented around your wholeness.
Some old hope that as your heart opened, the vulnerability would diminish, you’d be clear all the time, always in the flow, resting eternally “in the now.” But you are more sensitive, more raw, and more exposed than ever.
You wondered if you would be more detached, not care quite so much, and rest as the “witness” beyond it all, in some safe place of observation. But everything and everyone matter now more than ever… but in a new way. You care so deeply about the sacred world that you feel all around and inside you – about the sun, the moon, the stars, and the earth.
It can be a bit disorienting to discover that the beloved has very little interest in your safe witnessing, in wiggling into some invulnerable state, and in being untouchable. Be touched. Be vulnerable. Be alive. Finally. Let it all fall apart for once, take a risk, get your heart broken. Fail brilliantly.
Something new is being born inside you, but something else is dying. The vision, the guidance, the signs, and symbols are erupting out of the unseen in the attempt to reach you. But you must stay embodied to the chaos and inside the crucible in order to mine the jewels hidden there. You are being asked to trust in the fires of disintegration.
As you turn finally into the tender, vibrating field that is your own heart – and take the risk that this path will always ask - you may become aware of a certain penetrating sadness within and around you. This is not the conventional sadness of the mind, where something is perceived to be missing, but is the sadness of pure love, pouring out of the sky and out of your body. Before you turn from this achiness with spiritual remedies and techniques of conversion, enter inside the temple. Just step inside.
This shaky, raw life is your true home. Rest there.
The Way of Rest summer retreat – registration open now
New book – The Path is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You – to be released in April