There’s a fantasy that we’re supposed to know what to do
with our lives. And if we do not then this is clear evidence that something is
wrong with us, some cosmic error has occurred which must urgently be remedied.
Especially if this not-knowing is accompanied by waves of
uncertainty, hopelessness, and confusion… more evidence that we have failed,
fueled by further fantasy that feelings such as contradiction, doubt, and
deflation are not very “spiritual.” What about the endless stream of “high”
vibrations? The manifesting of more and more cool things for myself, that I’ve
dreamed will make me happy? The unconscious belief that the role of my partner
or my spiritual practice is to make me feel good?
Yes, at times it will appear that nothing is happening,
that we are being asked to marinate in waves of the great ocean of nothing.
Before we turn from the non-conventional allies of confusion and doubt, let us
reimagine their purpose and their holy function. In a world that is fixated
with doing, with answers, and with resolving the wildness of life, we must
remember that death is required for new forms of love and creativity to take
form. The death-rebirth journey is one that is non-negotiable and cuts through
our preferences, hopes, and fears. While this reality is deflating to a mind
seeking control and resolution, this cutting through is an emissary of
wholeness, and is sacred.
As our center of gravity drops out of the density of the
conditioned and into the wisdom of the body, we discover profound wisdom and
creativity in the core of the not-knowing. We come to see that not-knowing is a
perfectly valid, honorable, and authentic place to be, and not in need of
transformation. It is a pure expression of transformation, in and of itself,
exactly as it is.
As an experiment, you could say out loud, with the earth as
your witness, “I don’t know.” And give yourself permission to not-know, for
now, without any shame, judgment, or self-aggression. You need no longer
pathologize the movement of not-knowing, but embrace and explore it with
curiosity and a fiery tenderness.
Sink into the raw, ripe, pregnant, muddy glory and mess of
your unique, unprecedented heart… and see what you are.
The Way of Rest summer retreat – registration open now
New book – The Path is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You – to be released in April
