On a conscious level of course we very genuinely want to heal and fully step into a life of deep intimacy, creativity, and aliveness. This authentic human longing is precious and can be honored and held close.
It’s also wise and compassionate to realize that we may simultaneously have an unconscious investment in not healing, which is adaptive and intelligent, because we know the implications of doing so are world-shattering.
On a very deep level we sense that things will never be the same, that to truly heal we will be left with no familiar lens through which to imagine ourselves, others, and the world. While something about this is exhilarating and exciting, it is also profoundly disorienting.
In the context of early relational experiences, we learned how to fit in, survive, and stay out of unworkable bodily states of fear, pain, loss, and grief. Our perceptual, somatic, and autonomic lenses helped us to stay safe.
As these lenses are removed or recalibrated, we lose the protective and adaptive functions they provided, and we may find ourselves in a very direct, unfiltered relationship with life. As if our heart was no longer inside our rib cage but fully exposed on the outside, raw and tenderized.
We may wonder why we’re “not healing fast enough” or in a way that conforms with others’ paths or with the fantasies of a culture that is addicted to positivity at all costs. Rather than attributing this to our own weakness, failure, or inherent badness, we might remember, with mercy, that our adaptive ways have been put in place with incredible creativity and intelligence, to keep us safe and alive; that they are, in their own ways, manifestations of an outrageous sort of grace.
And in those moments where you feel that familiar self-attack, shame, self-aggression, and critical self-judgment boiling to the surface, to slow down and bring a bit of loving, spacious kindness to yourself. Trust in the wisdom of your process.
And to realize what true healing requires: the unraveling and rebirth of a new world… including the middle liminal period which, too, is essential and holy, and is crafted of a timeline written in the stars.
Photo by Petra Boekhoff
My previous book - The Path is Everywhere: Uncovering the Jewels Hidden Within You
My upcoming online course on Resting Your Nervous System: Embodying a Trauma-Sensitive Spirituality and Discovering a Felt Sense of Safety, starting March 1st, 20202 - Befriending Yourself: Finding Safety and Rest in Difficult Times
Listen to two recent podcasts where I was interviewed:
