There is no answer to this question, only an invitation into its unresolvable core.
It is natural to want to return to familiar ground, land in some safe place of refuge, and work it all out ahead of time. But, alas, the beloved has no interest in that.
Are we moving toward a new person to avoid some part of ourselves, some ancient feeling that we just don’t want to feel? Probably. I mean, if we’re human, anyway. Is there some part that senses a new possibility, a way of doing it differently? Probably, if we’re human, anyway.
We want a decision that is fully aligned with how we feel. But in the realm of the beloved, there will always be contradictory feelings. I want you. I’m repelled by you. I want to connect. I want to be separate. I want to be seen. I want to hide. We dance inside the opposites of abandonment and fusion, unsure where to turn.
Either path requires that we open into the unique cast of inner figures, feelings, somatic eruptions, and lost pieces of soul that accompany those choices. A compassionate confrontation with the fragmented shards of our unlived life.
Getting tangled up in “what decision should I make” is so very human, and for many of us also a way to defend against the inevitable loss, disappointment, and grief that will come regardless of what choice we make.
Whether you choose to stay alone or go back into relationship, you will inevitably meet soul-parts that you may have lost contact with, erupting feelings and sensations that are alive, achy, filled with wisdom-essence.
Unfortunately, there is no “third” option where we get to avoid our vulnerability and the tender, reorganizing touch of the beloved.
There is no answer to this conundrum, which is evidence of the beloved already, who is not interested in resolution, least of all in our fantasies of becoming a “master” at love and relationships.
He or she will turn the master into dust, which was precisely their role all along. How tragic. What grace.
My online community, co-facilitated with Jeff Foster - Befriending Yourself: Meditative, Nondual, and Depth Psychological Perspectives - is currently closed to new members but will re-open later this month. To be on the mailing list to learn about the program, please visit the site here.
My next book, A Healing Space: Befriending Yourself in Difficult Times, will be published by Sounds True in 2020.