Monday, May 4, 2015
Grace could never fail you
You noticed some pain coming up. You tried to 'witness' it, allow it, accept it, transform it, heal it, be with it, but it only got worse. Didn’t you hear once that grace is there in the pain, too?
You quickly applied all the teachings and techniques, but why hasn’t the pain gone away? Why do I feel worse? Where is my peace? When will the sadness yield to joy? The hopelessness to hope? The anguish to bliss? Did I do something wrong? Have I failed yet again, this time as a 'spiritual' person? Am I flawed in some fundamental way? There must be something wrong with me.
The narratives are spinning around you, so compelling at times, but they will never, ever be able to meet the true longing, which is always for your very own presence - to stay embodied to very alive states of vulnerability, and to practice a wild and fiery sort of kindness and compassion.
In these moments, grace seems so far away, an alluring story dreamed up by cosmic daydreamers with noble intentions.
But wait. Slow way down. Give yourself the gift of sacred pause. For just one moment, shift your awareness out of interpretation, story, and understanding... for now. Drop the frenetic scramble to manipulate your experience—to change it, heal it, transform it, transcend it. Set aside the ancient movement of abandoning yourself and renew your vow to stay close, to love yourself, for you need yourself now more than ever. Descend down into the rich, alive caverns of your body and allow the urgent need for resolution to burn away. You are not a project to be solved. What you are is way too majestic for all that.
Stay with the radiant freshness of your immediate experience. Dare to see that grace is where you are. It has only ever been right here and right now. See that it is not a destination, but a lover. It is not a place where you arrive, but is the actual substance of every experience, if you will infuse the very vivid display with presence, kindness, and intimate holding.
Feel it glowing right now, illuminating your very struggle, dancing in the center and shining through the mess. Look carefully and see that grace will shape-shift even into darkness, despair, rage, and heartbreak if that is what she must to reach you and to reveal to you something you've forgotten about the nature of love.
Grace can only appear to fail you when you try to use her, when she is co-opted by your hopes and fears, by your 'needs' and fantasies, and when you become lost in the dream that you must urgently resolve your present experience. Watch the habitual tendencies to leave the present - to rewind into the past or fast-forward into the future - and drop into the aliveness of the here and now, resting in the fire as it burns in the transmutative, alchemical furnace of your miracle body and nervous system. The energy moving through you, while fierce and intense at times, is only a new form of aliveness wanting to wash through you and to seed this world with its raw, naked wisdom qualities. Vast creativity and intelligence will always be there to meet you.
Seen through wide-open eyes and a tender, broken-open heart, every moment is what you seek, and grace could never fail you.