Friday, December 28, 2012

The groundless uncertainty of the forever vulnerable movement of love...

So much of the journey seems to be about increasing our ability to tolerate disturbing feelings, survival-level anxiety, and experiential intensity in the body. We have seen how we can use our spiritualities of “enlightenment” to avoid the facing of unmetabolized pain from the past, to sidestep our psychological wounding – our feelings of being unloved or unlovable at the deepest levels – and the lack of empathic attunement we experienced as little ones. We intuit that there is nothing scarier than one moment of true intimacy with what actually *is* – and that even our fabulous “high” states of “full” and “permanent” awakening” cannot touch our core vulnerabilities. To open our heart to another, to fall into the unknown, to set aside the spiritual project of “me” – these can be terrifying if we let them in all the way.

We’ve all seen the ways we organize our lives around not having to feel certain feelings – including through our “me and my experiences” focused spirituality; any way to not make contact with the unconscious sadness, grief, and shame that is lurking in the shadows. The most radical commitment that we can make – far more challenging and infinitely more rewarding than to some conceptual “awakening” or to our favorite guru or superstitious metaphysical ancient path, for these are relatively easy – is to the truth of our immediate, embodied experience. Are we willing to be 100%, fully committed to *this* experience, right here and right now? Do we really want to know what is true more than anything? This commitment is utterly terrifying if we let it in all the way because it is the end of all protection, all safety, all security, all ground, and everything that is known. But more than anything it is the end of the special, “awakened” me. There is no longer a guru or our magical thinking or our spiritual superstitions, conditioning, and constructions left to protect this raw, pulsating, naked vulnerable heart from shattering into billions of tiny pieces, from being fully and nakedly exposed to the gaze of the Beloved in all her forms.

When through some unknown grace we begin to organize our lives not around me and my amazing special experiences, but around the love of truth and the truth of love, we finally set aside the stories of how “there is no self any longer,” I’m “permanently” and “fully” awakened and all the rest of the ego-driven spirituality of me and my specialness. And then the ground falls out from underneath the spiritual self. This life is then no longer riveted to what new fabulous spiritual experiences I can gather, how special and awakened I am, how “no one is there” (that “no one” that we are so keen to tell others not yet awakened about), but rather our lives become organized around how Love wishes to make use of our eyes to see beauty, our hands to touch another sweetly, our words to speak kindly, and our heart to feel unbearable gratitude for this life as it is.  

As the dream of the special “awakened” me comes to a close and the fable of 2012 passes, let us open to the unknown together, to the groundless uncertainty of the forever vulnerable movement of love. This energy offers nothing in terms of supporting our personal identity projects and messianic visions and missions. Let us somehow open to the unbearable transformation that love always demands, knowing that it has nothing to offer, except for everything.