Sunday, February 28, 2016
Something happens and you get triggered. Someone says something or ignores you, or doesn’t show up in the way you want and need. You quickly become convinced that no one will ever see you as you are. Others are not on your side and the world is unsafe. And there is only one explanation at the root of it all: you are unworthy of such contact and something is fundamentally wrong with you.
In these moments, you are totally hooked. Your emotional world is on fire and you’re falling apart. You are shaming, blaming, and raging in all directions. The old voices remind you of how wretched you truly are. The energy is hot and surging through your heart. There is a panicky nauseous feeling in your stomach. Your throat is starting to constrict. You are about to collapse. Here we go again.
But wait. Breathe deeply from your lower belly. Touch the earth. Feel your heart beating. Return to your body and the aliveness of the here and now. See if it really is as urgent as it seems, that you need to disembody and find relief.
Give yourself the gift of sacred pause. This is no ordinary moment. The harbingers of integration have appeared. While you may never have much control over what thoughts, feelings, or emotions arrive in a moment of activation, you have a choice as to how you will respond. This choice is the threshold of a new world.
Depending on your early strategies for meeting overwhelm and dysregulation, you flow into motion. While these responses are wired in to your neural net, they are open, plastic, translucent, and awaiting reconfiguration.
No matter what is happening in the inner and outer landscape, you can start right now – you can lay down a new pathway. Slowly, over time, you can replace the aggression with kindness. You can replace the abandonment with holding. You can replace the rejection with curiosity and fiery compassion. You can develop a new relationship with your feelings, your emotions, and with the beliefs which have become the lenses through which you have come to see your life.
While the old narratives and emotional strategies emerged as the best ways you knew to care for yourself and to somehow make sense of empathic failure and a misattuned holding environment, you are the artist of a new world. Your canvas is the entirety of your embodied vulnerability, the tenderness of your heart, and the brilliance of your creative psyche. You can rewrite the story, rewire your nervous system, and find new meaning. No, this is not easy, and will take everything you have… and more. But it is already written inside you.
While it may seem hopeless at times, you have capacities that you did not have as a little one when the original pathways were formed. Call on the seen and unseen worlds to assist you. Open to the holding and the wisdom of the mountains, the oceans, the stars, and the blue rose inside you.
You are surrounded now by the heartbeat of the earth. Feel the new pathway emerging. Allow the new template to come online now. The template of love.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
At times, you may become aware of a subtle burning deep within you: as you wake in the morning, move through the day, and rest into the night. As you speak with others, open to them, and stay close with the surging emotional world.
This movement can appear as an actual sensation in the body or more energetically as the activity of reorganization within your nervous system. Something is calling, drawing you close, but it is far too vast and creative to approach by way of the known. You are alive, but this aliveness offers no ground and no solidity from which to take the next step. It does not bring answers, but only reminds you of the vastness of the question.
For some, this experience is associated with profound melancholy, for others an actual ache in the heart, and for others feelings of hopelessness, despair, joy, or bliss. You are being called back home, but it is not the home of what has come before. It is into your homeless nature, as a wanderer and as an explorer of love.
For those who are attuned to this movement, it can appear as an actual substance, a type of nectar come to seed new pathways, dissolving what you thought you knew about yourself, this world, intimacy, ‘spirituality,’ and why you’re here. This substance is a primordial drop of integration, symbolizing the end of one world so that another can begin.
As you learn to stay embodied, present, and kind to the fires of love, you may come to see the burning as a sacred friend, though at times a very wrathful one – an old unmet part of you, not come to harm but to reveal something about wholeness.
The burning is not an obstacle on your path, but is the very path itself. As you surround it with your warmth and holding, it will purify your heart and your connection with beings everywhere, so that you can be here fully, and help others in unknowable, infinite ways.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
As embodied, sensitive human beings, it is likely from time to time that we will be asked to meet with waves of confusion, uncertainty, groundlessness, and disorientation. And in the wake of these feelings, to lose contact with who we are and why we are here.
While it is natural to conclude that something has gone ‘wrong’ and that we have failed in some cosmic way, we can also see that something is attempting to reach us, and to remind us of what is most important. While painful at times, we can come to see that this reorganization is sacred, and is worthy of our loving attention.
Listen carefully. There are thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, messages, signs, and sensations that are emerging out of the depths, attempting to break through an old dream of partiality. The invitation is to slow down and open to the possibility that nothing has gone wrong, that no error has occurred, and that from the exact place you are in, you can open to and learn to trust in the flow of your immediate experience. All feelings are valid. Each is a unique reflection of the path.
Provide a home for the lonely one, the confused one, the hopeless one, and the disappointed one. For these ones have come as disorienting love in disguise, marinating and preparing you for what is next. In ways the mind may never understand, they are providing rest for the journey ahead.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
When you are triggered and emotion is surging within, you stand at the precipice of a new world. On one side is the old pathway – of self-aggression, shame, blame, complaining, numbing, denying, and acting out. Of disembodying and returning into the storyline of what happened, as a way to take you out of the raging, sacred data that is alive in your torso. For it is much safer to tell a story about rage, about sadness, about fear, and about confusion, than to descend into the body and into communion with the alive, rippling, unknown energy.
But co-emerging with the protective path of fight, flight, and freeze is the new pathway of embodied aliveness – neural grooves of presence, warmth, kindness, and self-care. To descend with your awareness out of the looping narrative and into the somatic landscape is a radical act of compassion and the activity of inner and outer revolution.
Right in the core of the very hot, panicky, and claustrophobic sensations – erupting through your belly, your heart, and your throat – the unmet ones have come again. They will never give up on you, for they are emissaries of love, come this time in a wrathful form to remind you of wholeness and of how full-spectrum the journey of the heart really is. They are not here to be understood, transformed, shifted, or healed. But have come as part of the sacred return, seeking metabolization in the vastness of being.
Use your breath to direct attention into the center of whatever feeling is arising. Send awareness inside your emotions and saturate them with presence and with holding. Even for one second, two seconds, three seconds, and then rest. There is so much space around your sadness, your rage, your disappointment, and your hopelessness.
As you practice relational intimacy with the display of the somatic world, you will naturally attune to the breath as it passes in and out of your lungs. Take a moment to behold the miracle that this truly is.
But it is the substance of reorganizing and transmuting love which is moving in and out of your heart. Oxygenate your entire being with this sacred material, and allow it to wash and nourish you, cell by cell by cell.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
In the realms you are in now, you need not worry about words and understanding concepts. For there is another language you are attuning to.
There is writing weaved into your heart that is not composed of ordinary symbols. Unfolding letters of dark and of light, coming alive in your body, as pure feeling, raw sensation, and shaky vulnerability.
Trust in the wisdom of your immediate experience, for yours is the pathway of direct revelation.
There is no intermediary any longer.
Photo: Susanna Aarnio, taken by Paavo Hamunen