Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Into the core belief
“No one is ever going to see me as I am. Because I am unworthy of being seen.”
This core belief is at the foundation of so much of our suffering. It is not random, but a deep conviction that arose intelligently in response to an early environment of empathic failure and chronic misattunement.
While incredibly painful, blaming ourselves for the lack of mirroring was much safer than placing the blame outside with our caregivers. To allow in the reality that this was beyond the capacities of our caregivers would overwhelm a developing little brain and nervous system. It was the safest way for us to account for not being met as we were.
From the relative level, as adults we can re-author a new narrative. We can update the pathways and tell a new story – one that is more integrated, cohesive, accurate and whole.
“Some people will see me as I am some of the time, according to hundreds of causes and conditions, including their own capacities and development. Yet even if they do not, I am okay, and I will not take this as evidence about my worth as a person. I will be there for myself to hold and metabolize those feelings of unworthiness and abandonment that may arise, knowing they are important energetic allies along the way on the path of the heart. They do not represent reality as it is, but rather the way that I had to construct it as a little one, longing for love.”
It is an act of kindness to know our core narrative, the essence-story you have come into adulthood with, and the corresponding beliefs that comprise it. For it is only then that you can engage skillfully, and decide in the here and now if you are ready to surrender the story, which has been with you for so long, so that a new one may be told.
While we all wish on some level to dismantle the stories of suffering, we must look carefully to see our investment in holding onto them, the purpose they are still serving, and what our lives will be like if we could no longer claim that we are unworthy. It is important that we not underestimate the immensity of this.
From the level of the absolute, however, no story will ever touch the majesty of what you are. You need not re-author anything. You can experience the story exactly it is, without interpreting it, needing to understand it, or without any movement to change, shift, transform, or heal it.
Surrounding it with your awareness, and with the warmth of your own heart, you allow it to come and go, resting in the field where all stories arise, dance for a while, and dissolve back into. You are willing at any moment to be the home and sanctuary for any thought, belief, perception, feeling, emotion, or sensation, to practice kindness and intimacy with it, without infusing it with reality. To stay close, but not so close that you fuse with it as who you are.
While it may seem contradictory to the mind, there is no need to choose sides between these views. You can dance seamlessly with both, using whatever skillful means are available to become more and more curious about who and what you are.
And then together we can rest in the erupting discovery that we will never, ever resolve the wild, untamed, creativity of love, as it comes out of the stars and infuses the relative with its qualities. But we will give ourselves to the mystery, and to become vessels for this love to come alive here.
Photo by Sandra Bartocha