Saturday, July 4, 2015
A day of true freedom
The worry you will be abandoned. The penetrating truth of your existential aloneness. The fear you will never be seen as you are. The panic in feeling dependent upon another. The confusion about whether you are ‘separate’ or ‘connected.’
The anxiety as you step into the reality of how vulnerable you are and how open and groundless it truly is here. The apprehension around intimacy, and opening your heart and body with no guarantee you will remain safe or that your love will be requited.
The dread of the looming death of yourself and everyone around you.
These are the great fears that come as you wake, as you fall asleep, and as you dream through this life.
In your willingness to take a risk, to provide a home for both the peaceful and the wrathful guests of the heart, to stay embodied to your vulnerability in all its forms, to truly allow another to matter, to no longer stand on the sidelines of life waiting for things to ‘improve,’ and to expose yourself to an eternal sort of heartbreak – you come face to face with the most devastating fear that you’ve ever known, but have never been able to articulate: that you are utterly, totally loved – and that you always have been. You have never been ‘unloved.’
When you allow yourself to rest in the raging truth that what you are is love itself, and that life has always seen and held you as you are, it is the end of your world as you know it. Things can never be the same. The trance of the ‘unworthy me’ is obliterated as well as all of the very compelling stories that go with it. You will never again be able to pretend that you are other than alive and whole as you are. You are no longer able to postpone complete participation in the sacred here now. The dreams of a future fulfillment have burned away.
The implications of this are dizzying if you let them all the way in: You will never, ever find more love, for love is what you are.
It is so exhilarating to realize that you are always, already seen and met by life, but it is also terrifying as you are fully naked now, utterly raw, and achingly wide open. There is no pretending any longer, no postponement, no standing on the sidelines, no fantasies of a future in which you will ‘heal your past,’ ‘awaken,’ or ‘transform’ your vulnerability and broken-open aliveness. Even the breeze as it passes feels as if it might be too much, for it goes right through your skin to mingle with your heart.
The blue in the sunrise, the longing you can feel in the world around you, the newly blown open wildflowers, gazing into the translucent eyes of your lover – gone are the days of being protected from the raging, transforming activity of the beloved in all of his or her forms. The particles of love are interpenetrating your entire sensory world and you are just not sure your heart and nervous system can take it. There is no more holding on. Just let love have you.
You are free to be who and what you are now – no longer tied to a past you thought you wanted, no longer bound by old hopes and dreams, or wired into the fantasy of unworthiness or the fears or dictates of the conventional world. You are willing to risk it all for love, finally free to be the fearless wildness that you are.