Sunday, July 27, 2014

Inside the core of the relational matrix

As you step into the fires of transformation and the burning crucible that is intimacy and the purifying relational field, you will inevitably come face to face with all of the ways you're holding on to fixed ideas of yourself, others, life, and love. As you're seeing, it is unlikely you'll ever be able to create a life that is this tender and potentially transmutative in which you will always experience feelings of safety, belonging, and invulnerability - for the path of the heart, in my experience, was never designed to offer these. This is not to say that you should not make requests of your fellow travelers, share your preferences, your deepest feelings, and ways you've been hurt. But rather to always remain vigilant to the reality that the freedom and love you so sweetly long for will only ever arise in the unconditional commitment to taking complete experiential responsibility for your own somatic-emotional world.

Feelings of disappointment, despair, hopelessness, and heartbreak are very natural and to be expected as a natural part of this journey. These are not "mistakes," "problems," or "obstacles" to the embodied path of the heart, but the very essence of it. Seen from eyes wide open, they are luminous invitations from the beloved, calling you into her wisdom mandala. Right in the core of the relational matrix that is arising here and now is pure love itself, and a direct portal into the heart field of the beloved. Staying with the very difficult and disturbing feelings that arise in the context of working with this material is the essence of the journey and is not easy. It may always require that you wade into the survival level panic and anxiety which certain feelings and emotions have come to be associated with, depending on the specific configurations of your early environment, attachment histories, and unfolding karma.

In my experience, it is helpful to allow in the possibility that all of the various "issues" in your life may *never* be resolved on a feeling level as you will likely always have contradictory feelings about that which matters most to you. One of the most loving, kind, and wise responses to this very alive truth is to be willing to remove the burden from others to resolve your experience and to metabolize it for you. For this is not possible. As you become more aware of the ways you have created and are maintaining this burden, you can start to see how unkind it is, to yourself and others, and how aggressive it actually is to your one, precious heart and somatic brilliance, to project this burden into the environment around you. And you can come to see that it is through staying profoundly embodied to your arising experience, and bringing kindness to it - over and over and over again – that is the ground of freedom and love in action.

It is also very important, in my experience, to recognize that part of you that truly wishes to heal, to open all the way to love, and to take the risk that you sense that such opening will demand – and to honor and hold this part. However, to also allow yourselves to become aware of another part of you that will always unconsciously be serving a distractive or avoidant function, to protect you from what true healing requires – the immediate and direct entering into *every* feeling, emotion, and sensation you've spent your entire life working to avoid. You can hold these two movements inside the center, without any need for resolution, without any judgment of one and attachment to the other. For it is in this middle place where the beloved is alive and seeding this world with grace. These movements are co-emergent expressions of natural wisdom and will untangle and dance together in the light of pure awareness and holding.

I wish you all well on the journey and ask that you please be kind to yourself and your fellow travelers – for the path of love will always demand everything from you – and much, much more. But in your unconditional commitment to meet whatever arises with kindness and loving attention, you will receive fruit from this and the other worlds - and a life beyond your wildest imagination.