Saturday, October 5, 2013

Burning in the core of your despairing confusion

You want to maintain the flow, the acceptance, the bliss, and the joy of this life. You have tasted it and know it to be who you are at the deepest levels. But the confusion, the disorientation, the sadness, the despair, the loneliness always returns. You are longing again, feeling separate, and wondering where the grace has gone. 

Oh friends, love will never ask you to maintain any particular experience – whether of bliss or peace or acceptance; for it is this effort at maintenance that is revealed to be the movement of suffering itself.  All experience – including that of joy, bliss, fear, and confusion – comes and goes. It appears, dances within you, only to dissolve again into the ocean of consciousness itself. But what you are is that which could never come and go. You are the luminous space in which all form appears. 

You are the womb of the world. You are alive. And the freedom you long for lies at the heart of every experience, if you are willing to provide a home and a sanctuary for it. 

Stop. Take pause. Touch your heart. Sense the aliveness moving through you. Feel the subtle resistance to the unwanted feelings and emotions within. Turn toward the deeply rooted belief that your sadness, your loneliness, your anxiety, your depression, and your confusion should not be there. See the ways you have shut them out of your heart, deemed them “unspiritual,” and how their mere presence has become another sign that you have failed at life, yet again. 

These evaluations and conclusions have arisen in response to an early environment of misattunement with your caregivers and have now become templated as part of your journey. But love has found you. And things will never, ever be the same again. 

Will you open to the possibility that even your confusion, your sadness, your rawness, and all of your scary places have come as love in disguise, to reveal how whole you really are? Will you take the risk of seeing that inside the darkness, burning in the core of your despairing confusion, shining out of your tender vulnerability, is the pathway home? Please don’t turn away. 

You have come to believe that love will feel good, that it has come to provide sweetness, bliss, certainty, and flow; that it will appear in your relationships as the meeting of your many needs; that it will arrive as causeless joy, firm ground, and a safe harbor from heartbreak. But this would be a partial love and love could never be partial, for it is a raging movement of the totality. Though it may appear otherwise, you would never long for a love that is partial. When you let in the possibility that you have never been broken, it is then that your wholeness will be revealed.