Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Crafted out of light-filled pieces of awareness

Just me and my bird friends at the ocean today, rolling around in the sand together, watching as the water cleans out and washes through our hearts, our psyches, our nervous systems… in awe as the beloved in her own way baptizes this body with her grace. I’m not sure how I could be any luckier than I am in this moment, how this life could be any sweeter or more precious, what more I could ever want than this. It is overwhelming sometimes: How is it that one more day is given?

The breath moving in and out, thoughts moving in and out, love moving in and out, feelings arising and passing, sensations flowing here and there, all synchronized with the tides… where do I end and where does the ocean begin? To behold this utterly awe-inspiring Universe – those particles of love as they take form as these grains of sand, as the cells of this heart, and as this birdsong from beyond. It is all so vivid, so luminous, so empty (of concept), so full (of love). How is it that there can be no difference between that which appears in awareness and awareness itself, appearance and nature revealed to be of the very same substance?

All of these sensations, these feelings, these sacred emotions, even these thoughts and the cells of this mind – crafted out of these same light-filled pieces of awareness. Every unique appearance in awareness, an irreplaceable reflection of the sacred world, birthed out of the stars, dancing for a few moments inside the cells of this heart, gifting this reality with the uniqueness of its precious display, and then dissolving back into the ocean of being. This entire sensory world is a holy appearance, simultaneously arising, dancing, and passing, all in the same movement, just as the waves, the birds, the grains of sand, and this body itself. I hope I make it all the way through this sweetest of ever days, but if for some reason I do not, this would have been enough – I have been given so much more than enough. 


  1. WoW...sounds wonderful - and a deep contrast to my day, cleaning at the hospital, wanting something else, being bored to death (almost). Trying to make myself feel love and bliss and gratitude (no success of course). Back home in the beautiful spring sun, couldn´t even enjoy that, because I was stuck in "wanting what I didn´t have". Writing my despair to a friend, feeling the opening around the wanting, allowing it to be, not denying it, but not believing it either... more space now, opening to "what is", even though it is not half as fantastic as what you´re describing...but it is ok, and it is my experience this moment, which I guess does make it special - to me ;-) lots of love

    1. Hi Agnete, nice to hear from you. Yes, my friend, there are times when we enjoy some time away from our ordinary, busy lives; and sometimes it is as if we are drowning in them. As you so clearly note, trying to force ourselves into an experience of gratitude or love or bliss and only increases the separation we feel in our hearts. We are wired in a way to organize our experience around the presence or absence of certain thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations. Our brains, nervous systems, and psyches evolved in large part to help protect us from overwhelming material that we were simply not able to metabolize as little ones. The challenge, of course, is that because these strategies worked so well, they have now become lodged into our self-structure.

      As we start to allow ourselves to turn directly into that which is difficult, that which we feel so drawn to turn from, we might discover that we do not actually have to organize our lives any longer around the presence or absence of certain feelings, thoughts, emotions, sensations, and images. We go all the way into that experience of "wanting what I didn't have”," without rejecting it, without going to war with it, without needing it to be replaced with another, “higher,” deeper, or different one. We touch the despair, our urges for the fantastic, our resistance to the ordinary – all of it is welcome, for all of it is of the substance of awareness itself. When we stay embodied in this way (and it doesn’t mean we all of a sudden feel good or are having a great time or everything becomes all groovy), we see that this freedom that we long for is right there with us, wrapped up in whatever experience that we could ever have. We start to see that this freedom that we long for is not freedom "from" one set of feelings or another, but freedom "in." We see that we need to organize our lives around certain feelings and emotions to know this freedom. Of course, this all must be touched and held and known experientially, in a very embodied way. As you know, it is one thing to grasp this conceptually, and another to live it.

      Sometimes we cannot “enjoy” our lived embodied experience, but even that is okay, really. We can touch that non-enjoyment, we can explore that and stay with it, and see how even that experience, when met and touched, is of the same nature of freedom, openness, and spaciousness.

      Lots of love my friend!

  2. Thank you Matt. Once again I find, that it´s all about self-image. I want to be someone different than I (think I) am. I want to be someone who is in awe an wonder of this beautiful life,a free spirit, pure love and life-energy, instead of someone who is bored, dissatisfied, a little contracted me who feels sorry for herself. It´s all images, labels I put on myself, in order to hold on to some identity, likeable or not. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and allowing me to share mine. lots of love

    1. Thank you, Agnete. Yes, it requires a tremendous amount of energy to maintain an image of ourselves, whether that be of someone who is "awakened" or kind or one who does not need others or one who is at peace all the time or one who is very spiritual, and so forth. So much of this seeking for some other image arose out of early environments of misattunement, when as little ones we needed to be whatever was necessary in order for us to receive love, care, affirmation, mirroring, and approval.

      When we are aware of seeking a particular image as you describe, we can meet even this, let even this in. We need not go to war with this movement within us, as it is a part of us, and perhaps at one time was very important to our own development. What you describe here sounds very natural, actually. When we're able to meet this movement to be something else, something different - whether awakened, enlightened, a free spirit, pure love, etc. - and not bored, dissatisfied, or contracted, we come face to face with that freedom and that love in which all of these identities come and go. What you are, as you know, is not any of these identities, but rather that space in which they all appear, dance for a while, and then fall away.

      There is nothing inherently problematic with these images as they come and go, or even with your being drawn to some instead of another; of course you would rather feel free and beautiful, filled with life-energy, instead of contracted and bored. All of this is fine, all of it is natural, and all of it is welcome here. When all of this is received in an environment of kindness, that freedom that is the ground of it all then has a way to peek through, to shine through the cracks.

      Take care, my friend.

  3. Thank you so much for taking your time to "sit with me" in this. What you write resonates deeply in me. I just want to add, that maintaning an image of contracted, seperate, "the unfortunate" takes just as much energy as the "positive images"...that´s my experience anyway. It seems to be the holding on, the trying to maintain any image, that costs the effort.As I see it, the fear of loosing all selfimages, can lead to grasping at anything, just to be someone. Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it.