I hear from many of you that you want to change, to transform, to go about this life in a radically different way. You want to touch the grace that is pouring out of all form, you are so close; you can feel it. This is so natural – and so precious, really. In my experience, it is important to also become as aware as possible of those forces and energies inside you which resist this change, that push back against the call from the unknown. This resistance, this hesitation, this fear, this holding back, this groundless uncertainty, this terror is not something that is bad or unspiritual or something that you need to wage battle against as some warrior of awakening; in fact, it might be seen as a raging intelligence. There are energies within you that are much deeper and more primordial than your conscious mind which is yearning for change, with all of its ideas of what will give you what you want. These energies are working continually, created in each moment out of the very grace-material of your own cells, to protect you from what this change and transformation would actually require, which is very different than what we might imagine. Which is everything.
To truly organize this life around love, you will inevitably come up against everything that is unresolved within you – everything you’ve not wanted to feel, every image of yourself, everything you’ve learned about spirituality – you find yourself pulled through a whirlpool of the darkest and most luminous grace, with no reference point, no possible landing place, unbearably vulnerable and exposed. You simply will not be able to hide out any longer, including behind all of your spiritual fantasies and fables, which are so prevalent these days. All of your core vulnerabilities will arise to meet you, to touch this luminous light with you; feelings of all kinds will rush to connect with you, unmetabolized messages will pour out of your body from beyond, and near panic-level anxiety may ensue. These strategies were put in place at a very early age to protect you from overwhelm, and to allow you to receive the love you so tenderly needed. They are rooted into your DNA, your cells, your nervous systems and will not surrender easily. They will simply not be rejected by some aggressive, superegoic, superstitious plunge into spirituality, which is often driven and guided by egoic process, as so many contemporary spiritual movements have demonstrated so clearly.
You can embrace these two energies within you in a holding environment of the most radical kindness, and inquire very carefully into exactly what you would be required to give up to change and transform in the way you desire. This inquiry is the exploration of a lifetime and is endless; yes, endless. The polishing of this human body, these precious senses, this bursting heart, is endless, eternal, and infinite. These two movements of grace will never, ever be resolved and will dance within your heart forever, intertwining as the strands of your DNA. These archaic ways of organizing your experience came into being as offerings of the purest grace, to protect and guide and hold your developing heart, nervous system, and sensual reality. In this way, they are explosions of intelligence and a vast creativity, and might be honored as such.