Saturday, February 23, 2013

Disguised fragments of grace…


It is so natural to want to arrive in a place where we remain forever untouched by suffering, fear, conflict, and separation. We organize our intimate relationships, our friendships, our work in the world, and our spiritualities in unconscious ways so that we do not have to feel certain feelings, and so that we can continue to have certain experiences that we have come to believe are more spiritual, more peaceful, and evidence that we are becoming one of the great awakened ones. When sadness is there, or anger, or confusion, or shame, or conflict, or jealousy, or grief, or loneliness, or the experience of “a self,” there is a way that we can so easily turn toward intimacy, toward spirituality as a buffer from the experiential intensity expressing in our bodies. We don’t want to be too vulnerable, we don’t want to risk too much, we don’t want to be too exposed, too naked, be asked to give up too many of our spiritual beliefs and fantasies, for we sense at the deepest levels that if we really let love all the way in that it will reorganize everything; it will take apart and reassemble our entire body, heart, and self-organization. We will be back in the unknown, the reference points will be stripped away, our identity as a spiritual person or an awakened one will be obliterated in love’s transforming fires, for we know that love has no interest in this.

When guests arrive at the door of your raw, tender, wide open, naked heart, in the form of the feelings, emotions, and sensations that you have deemed unworthy, unspiritual, too yucky, “not awakened,” just too much, take just one moment to breathe deeply into them, breathe in and out of your heart, and ask them what they have come to show you. Make a commitment to yourself, to being so kind to your immediate experience, that you will not turn away, not this time; you will dwell in the most luminous holding environment of love, touching whatever is there, wanting so badly to meet whatever visitors appear. You wonder: What if these guests may be forms of love in drag, disguised fragments of grace which have come in response to your deepest prayers? In this sacred pause, we touch the vast intelligence and raging creativity which has assembled this universe, this body, these senses, this heart – taking shape and form as each and every thought, feeling, emotion, sensation, and relationship that could ever arise in your embodied experience. Something mysterious is happening here, some miracle of grace is pouring throughout this milky way galaxy and is expressing in the most wildly unique way, as your life, as it is. 

And then we're left with the immensity of the question: is it the movement of fear, or is it the movement of love, which sets up the fable of awakening, where we'll never have to feel any of the yuckies again, where conflict will never touch us, where finally the "ego" is gone forever, the mind is obliterated, the personality is destroyed, where we can finally rest in some self-constructed ego process of "the awakened me?" In this sacred pause, we come to see that love will use whatever process necessary to share kindness, to touch another, to open your heart, so that you may connect so deeply with another, use your words and hands and your soul to comfort them, to hold them, to fall in love with them exactly as they are. Gone are your agendas to transfer your half-baked states to them, your conditioned awakening theory, filling them with your unresolved wounding in the name of "awakening," or feeding them your unmet developmental needs from the past. You care too much about them to continue to do this; you know they are too sacred. Within conflict, within "ego," within your personality, pouring out of your heart and mind, within your "self" is a raging intelligence and vast creativity, which love will use if you allow it. Use your discernment, friends, for it is a gift directly from the heart of the beloved. Take the time to use your own intelligence. Open your eyes and your hearts to your own truth; be a lamp unto yourselves.

Let your hearts break open, take the risk that love demands. Be willing to feel everything. Gone are the days of exclusion, for love is infinite, eternal, empty, wide open; it is the luminous ground from which all of love’s expressions come pouring forth. It is the substance of the very cells which make up your one sweet heart; of each sacred synapse in your magnificent brain; and the light weaving through each strand of your DNA. In this love nothing is excluded, not even conflict, fear, the “ego”, the “self,” the “personality,” nothing. All is welcome here. All are doorways of grace. All is God. Let us be grateful for every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every image, every sensation that grace bestows upon us, and open to the radical possibility that each are appearing as love undercover, to show us something very precious and important on our journey, that journey of polishing the heart, which is unending. There will never be a time when you have “made it,” love will always ask more of you; there is no rest in some achieved spiritual identity. As you fall into this miracle field that is the human being, you lose all interest in having this experience instead of that, this feeling instead of that one, being spiritual or non-spiritual, discriminating between divine and non-divine, for you see this as a way of dishonoring this most sacred rare human gift. Hear the cry of love emanating out of the center of your heart: Closer, closer, closer, more intimate, more embracing… see through the spiritual call of fear to transcend this tangled up, messy, unresolvable, groundless, sticky, gummy gooey grace field that is this human life.   

To do this of course requires that we risk everything that is known, everything we’ve been taught, including risking the loss of all spiritual reference points and concepts. Are we willing to be so naked? Will we take the risk that love demands? Will we allow ourselves to fall off the cliff of the known into the purifying flames of love’s fires, knowing our hearts will be redesigned and our lives will be reorganized, utterly certain that our spiritual identities will dissolve forever? In this timeless reality, we watch love reassemble this body, this heart, these senses, utterly in awe at its movement, at its intelligence, at its creativity. All that is left is just one prayer, the only one that makes any sense any longer, “Thank you.”