Tuesday, December 11, 2012

How will the unknown, unbearable, groundless movement of love touch and move through each of us in this day?

So much of the journey seems to be about increasing our ability to tolerate disturbing feelings, survival-level anxiety, and experiential intensity in the body. We have seen how we can use our spiritualities of “enlightenment” to avoid the facing of unmetabolized pain from the past, to sidestep our psychological wounding, our feelings of being unloved or unlovable at the deepest levels, and the lack of empathic attunement we all experienced as little ones. We intuit that there is nothing scarier than one moment of true intimacy with what actually *is* – and that even our fabulous “high” states of “full” “awakening” cannot touch our core vulnerabilities. 

We’ve all seen the ways we organize our lives around not having to feel certain feelings – including through our “me and my experiences” focused spirituality; any way to not make contact with the unconscious sadness, grief, and shame that is lurking in the shadows. The most radical commitment that we can make – far more challenging and infinitely more rewarding than that to some conceptual “awakening” – is to the truth of our immediate, embodied experience. Are we willing to be 100%, fully committed to *this* experience, right here and right now? Do we really want to know what is true more than anything? This commitment is utterly terrifying if we let it in all the way because it is the end of all protection, all safety, all security, all ground, and everything that is known. But more than anything it is the end of the special, “awakened” me. It is so understandable that we’ll give up just about anything on the journey other than that. I’ll give up anything, but don’t make me give up that. I will surrender every story I could ever tell myself about myself – I’ll give it all to God – but don’t make me give that one away.

When by some flow of amazing grace the mythologies of enlightenment and the legends of the “awakened” me are set aside, a doorway in the heart can be unlocked. As we step through this doorway, we are met by an unfathomable sense of gratitude, for this life as it is. We see that maybe the journey really isn’t about the endless and frenetic scramble to get into some new and fabulous constructed “state” of consciousness, that it is no longer about me and my specialness, my quest for new experiences, and my landing in some new awakened identity. We see so clearly that this habitual movement is the movement of fear, not love. Rather we see that love is trying to make its way through these bodies, through these senses, and through this miraculous brain, heart, and nervous system, creating pathways of its precious essence. We see that there is something much more interesting, much more mysterious, much more sacred that is happening here, than our me-fables of awakening. How will the unknown, unbearable, groundless movement of love touch and move through each of us in this day? In one terrifyingly vulnerable moment, our lives are then given to this… forever.