Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Love scattering in the four directions...

If we look carefully, we might notice a secret hope within that our spiritualities and our intimate relationships will somehow make us feel better. But is this their actual purpose? When we liberate both our spiritualities and our relationships from the burden we have put on them to produce certain feelings and to remove others, then what? If we no longer organize our lives around feeling certain feelings and avoiding others, then where are we? If we set aside once and for all our habitual desire to be in some “state” other than the one we’re in, what will happen? If we are willing to give up all of our fables and fantasies about “never feeling conflict again” or “never suffering again” or being “fully awakened” or being happy all the time, then where will we find ourselves?

It requires tremendous courage – and an unbearable willingness to plunge into the groundless and unresolvable nature of love - to no longer take refuge in any idea or concept to tell us who we are and what this life is. In this uncertain, ahistorical, acausal heart of reality, there is no longer any confirmation for personal identity. Is that really what we want? Are we crazy? There is no “awakening” here, personal enlightenment, “final” and “permanent” this and “fully” that. There are no longer any landing places for the separate self; none of this has any meaning from the perspective of love. The idea of some “full” or “permanent” state or reality is a construction of fear and is seen to be a projection of the unresolved child within us, wanting to be happy on the playground, fueled by an avalanche of unmet narcissism. As we step outside of constructing a life in this way, things are completely, utterly, and totally out of control. Whether we feel this or that feeling, experience “conflict,” touch “suffering,” feel bliss, have “low” or “high” states –we are no longer organizing our experience in this way. Spiritualities of acquisitiveness no longer hold any meaning; they are exposed for what they are: the movement of fear. What happens when somehow our life is no longer about me and my experiences, but something else? What is this “something else?” If my life is no longer about how to get into some other state of consciousness where I never have to feel anything yucky, what might possibly be next? What will love do with us then?

We want so badly to know what’s going on, to understand why our lives are the way they are, and most importantly when they will be different. We want to find that solid ground, certainty, and resolution to the struggles we’re experiencing in relationships, with our families, in our work lives, in our spirituality. We think that we want to resolve once and for all the ways of love, but we don’t want to give up anything to get there. When the bottom falls out from underneath this life, we see so clearly that there was never any bottom there at all; when by some grace we’re able to allow ourselves to completely and totally fall apart, an intelligence is revealed; a creative life-giving support system of grace that is beyond this world. This new view though offers none of the previous delusions of safety, and can be so terrifying that most of us run back into the safe known structures of our spiritualities of specialness to avoid the uncertainty of this open-ended vast space of love. 

Love is the substance of every appearance in this Universe, and will never ever be resolvable or organizable. Its light is too bright. In one never-to-be-repeated moment, inside the center of your vulnerable breaking heart, that love which holds the stars, planets, sun, and moon in the sky is revealed, that same love that holds you at all times, offering support, guidance, and opportunities that are completely beyond your wildest imagination. And then somehow everything has shifted… this life is no longer about getting to love, resolving our struggles, understanding our lives, getting “awakened” or “free from conflict forever,” or even accepting the way things are…rather, it might become about an endless curiosity, an unprotected opening, and an unbearable surrender to how love is going to express itself through this unique, sacred, and precious life. We are no longer searching for ways to feel better – in our me-oriented spiritualities or in our intimate relationships; organizing our lives in this way has lost its meaning. Our lives are no longer riveted to how to get more things for me me me, driven by fear – more specialness, more experiences, more love, more intimacy, more divine this and that, “higher” this or that, some final, permanent, full this or that – but rather taken over by and exploding out of an immense gratefulness and wonderment around how love will choose to move through us, scattering its sweet essence in the four directions.