Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The love which gives birth to this and all worlds...

What if the stories we tell ourselves, the self-criticism, the shame, the doubt, the fear, the scary places, the grief, the judgment, the hurt, the armor we construct around our hearts: what if these never shift? What if the mythological sustained transcendent state (the “permanent” awakening, the “final” enlightenment) never takes place and the angels never arrive; the harps never play, the pearly gates never open; what if we’re never taken away by the divine on a golden chariot, welcomed by a gaggle of gods and goddesses into a realm of pure bliss, where all our troubles and problems disappear in the bosom of the avatar? What if it turns out that we’re really just ourselves, after all? After all is said and done—all of the seeking, struggling, fixing, striving, opening, processing—what if the ultimate revelation is simply us, exactly as we are?

None of us of course really knows what the future will bring. But let us for one moment, just as an experiment, feel into the emotional and somatic response to this question: what if I stay exactly the same, forever? What if my anxiety, my sense of self, my personality, my clinginess, my fear, my neediness, my inability to forgive, my tendency to run away from intimacy (often in the name of spiritual “deepening”), my use of the spiritual life to avoid genuine human contact; and, god forbid, my inability to let things go… what if all of these phenomenon are simply expressions of love in drag, alchemically making use of this body, this mind, this heart, these words; as an expression of wholeness and the totality of being? What would happen if I became fully committed to my life as it is, without the endless movement toward becoming something different, “deepening” into some other conditioned and no doubt “higher” cosmic state that we’ve learned is the right spiritual one? What sort of freedom might then reveal itself in the wake of a total embodied commitment to our immediate experience?

The love that we long for is not dependent on the presence or absence of any particular thought, feeling, emotion, or state of consciousness; nor is it in any way dependent upon us letting go of anything. Perhaps it even has nothing to do with our frenetic seeking and desperate craving for some state, any state, other than the one we’re actually in. All states, all experiences, all thoughts, all feelings, all sensations, all emotions, all spiritual bypassing, all spiritual materialism, all messianic complexes, all expressions of unacknowledged narcissistic wounding, come and go; including all of the constructed spiritual experiences and the endlessly compelling superstitions which we want and need so badly to inspire our lives. We want so deeply to be taken to a “higher” place, one that is far from the ordinariness of this human body, this vulnerable heart, these challenging relationships, these miraculous senses, and this literally mind-blowing brain; far away from the messiness of me as I am. But that love which gives birth to this and all worlds—and that somehow through grace expresses itself as this precious human body—does not come and go; it is forever here as the substance of each and every form which could ever be perceived by this precious and sensitive human nervous system.