Monday, July 30, 2012

A confusing, gooey love and the messiness of the wide open heart


We want to know so badly… how things will turn out, when we’ll be awakened, when our heart will no longer be at risk of shattering, when we’ll stop suffering. It is so easy for our spiritual lives to become just another expression of our own unmet emptiness, boredom, self-aggression, unmetabolized pain, undigested addictions, lack of self-acceptance and of self-love. It is no “secret” that our culture is one of acquisitiveness – please, somehow, give me more. What is here now is most definitely not enough. I know there is some Divine glorious reality waiting for me, where angels are singing, harps are playing, perfect soul mates are appearing and disappearing, the perfect spiritual career presents itself, all of my dreams are manifesting abundantly, and above all the “divine” is endlessly catapulting me into very, very “high” states of consciousness, into some utterly fabulous cosmic state of reality, where the pain of my deepest longings for true intimacy are wiped out in the bosom of the great guru from beyond. 

But perhaps there is no “secret.” Perhaps the love and true meeting we seek will never be found through the acquiring mind, that mind that is forever spinning frenetically into some “new” and “high” state of consciousness, where “the body” laughs for hours, where we giggle like little children with goofy smiles on our faces, unable to contain the massive jolts of “kundalini” running through our systems, finally transcendent to the scariness of a radical opening of the heart, which we intuit will shatter *everything*. 

Life has no interest in us living up to some second-hand image. It doesn’t want or need us to be “perfect” or “divine” or “enlightened” or “God-realized” or any such nonsense. Life is only ever offering its invitation to fall heart-first into an immense field of not-knowing – not knowing how to live, not knowing how to forgive, not knowing how to accept, not knowing how to get awakened, and not knowing how to finally acquire the “right” “spiritual” thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, and “states.” I hear from so many of you how exhausted you are, so tired of chasing around some fantasy of a “spiritual” life that you were told was the right one by some teacher, author, or exotic avatar who is beyond it all. 

In the very center of your heart, there is always an open doorway. It has nothing to do with any of this conditioned silliness of “higher” states of consciousness, the mythical sustained transcendent experience, and somehow moving beyond this messy world of intimacy, confusing gooey love, and human vulnerability. It wants so badly for you to walk through, to meet for the first time this unbearable longing to go home, to behold for the first time the miracle of this precious human body, of *these* thoughts, of *these* feelings, of *these* passing states of consciousness. For in just one moment of caring enough – of somehow resisting the call to exit this experience for another – what you see is that it is all made of love, crafted out of the substance of love, all the way through, from the inside-out and outside-in. And no matter what the details, love has somehow configured itself as your unique life, and has offered itself as a gift… only forever waiting for you to receive it, as it is.

2 comments:

  1. I just love your words...I get aha moments every time I read your words...I am always seeking that stillness, always seeking that higher self where pain does not exist, where I will love all of creation including myself, where I will cease to judge but see something deeper....something that exist in stillness inside me. I can see that place yet I can never experience it.

    Whenever I read your words, I get to laugh and let go. Relax a bit and be open for a nano second or less but at least I get it. Then I realise that I am always reading beauty from great spiritual teachers. My mind takes those words and romanticise. Looking forward to that future date when we will experience all.

    Thanx

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    1. Hi Di_Siza, thank you for stopping by and for sharing with me. It is so natural to want to be at peace, to want to live that life we know is possible, to touch love and the deepest parts of our hearts. We are wired in so many ways to move away from our experience in search of these things. But our experience, our immediate embodied experience, is like a young, frightened child, who only wants to be met, to finally be held and contained and validated. Would we turn away from this child when she comes knocking on our door? Likewise, when we meet whatever arises fully, including even this deep seeking, this judgment, this "place we can never experience"-- all of this can be met, and in that meeting the ending of all seeking is waiting for us... with arms wide open. Sending much love...

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